The High Cost of Refusing to Forgive
by Hunter Hill
Contrary to the impression we sometimes receive, the process of forgiveness is neither quick nor easy. It often takes place over months and sometimes years. Since the need for genuine forgiveness means that something painfully important has passed between people, it cannot be hurried along or accomplished by pretending the hurt does not matter.
In actuality, the potential for damage to both parties is high. One is hopefully dealing with appropriate guilt and shame while the other is struggling with broken trust and/or fear for her/his emotional safety. No wonder Jesus considered forgiveness such a central process that he spoke of its high value in Matthew 18:21-22 (Forgive 70 times 7).
What can happen if one refuses to forgive? Here is what I frequently observe in my ministry as a pastoral counselor.
- In cases where the remorse is not designed to manipulate or control but instead is deeply felt, the shame and guilt of the unforgiven one becomes augmented over time by a sense of helplessness and loss of hope. Most likely the emotional and spiritual gap between parties will grow wider.
- For those who have been wounded by the original wrongdoing, but who cannot find a way or choose to forgive, a sense of bitterness and hardness toward the other (and sometimes life in general) can set in and lead to a great gulf between folks or to ongoing savage conflict.
- The unforgiven can unknowingly and inadvertently adopt a posture and identity of being victimized by life/others, again leading to despair or increasing bitterness, isolation, suspicion, fear, and a reduced capacity to form positive sustainable relationships. Eventually, not forgiving can grow into active hate, a very consuming emotion and state of mind.
While "premature" forgiveness is unreal and does not lead to genuine reconciliation, a refusal to forgive can end up being a slow toxic injection into the spirit of all involved.
Hunter R. Hill is a MTM Board Member and Pastoral Counselor at The Virginia Institute of Pastoral Care.